Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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