i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
