his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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