i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
