I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
