He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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