I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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