Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
