I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
