Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
