I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
someone owes me an orgasm
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I wish there were birth control emojis
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
