Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
