i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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