a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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