Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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