At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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