i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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