i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
