you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
