Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
