Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it's like iHOP with fire
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
