Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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