4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
