Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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