My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
