I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
