This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
