Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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