if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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