if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
