Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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