My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
