I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
