The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
