One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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