halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
