i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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