worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
