We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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