she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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