allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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