Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
