Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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