I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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