If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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