Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
