In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
