The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
