found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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