He disabled his match.com account in front of me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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