he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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